I See You . . .

Okay, so, I originally did a blog on this on myspace but no one responded (or well) so I thought I would try it here because I think it might be fun.

I was watching the Wizard of Oz resently and thought to myself, "Gee, Dorthy was really tripping". But it just so happens that Alice was quit the tripper herself. So now I ask you - who's the biggest tripper of them all - Alice in Wonderland or Dorthy from the Wizard of Oz? It's your call. Holla!

You're never too old to feel like you don't belong. The feeling of being incomplete can consume a person until you feel your inner soul collapsing and there's nothing that anyone can do about it - not even you. The feeling of not having any control of your own life; the lack of independence. Your heart is numb and you want to be away from it all. Even if it's for a little bit. You distance yourself from your loved ones so that they don't see you suffering. And to keep them from trying to fix you. Boys and Girls, Ladies and Gentalman, Maggots and Fagots - I had the most serious fight with myself this past weekend and I almost lost.

Alot of you don't know this but I've been dealing with alot of personal issues in my life. I'm not one to talk to anyone about these things except to some of my closer Buzzneters. See, I keep everythings that going on with me to myself. I don't ever talk to anyone (in peson) and because of that it keeps getting worse and worse. It got to the point where I just couldn't function right. Something was definitely wrong with me physically, mentally and emotionally.

Saturday: At first I didn't want to get out of bed. Then when I did, I was extremely grouchy. All I wanted to do is get my shopping done so that I can go home. I found myself having a really hard time keeping it together. I did my shopping but I didn't feel like myself at all. I was shaking, I got the sweats and I was even having a hard time speaking. I walked by some Carolers at a Department store that we're from a Church and all I could thinks was "Go stick your church up someone else's ass". By the time I hit the last store, I told my husband that I just couldn't do it anymore.  We went home. I was so messed up that I actually had to ask my husband to take Kenneth (my son for those who don't know) and go spend the night at his mother's house because I really needed to be alone. I didn't feel bad about it either. So after they left, I went for a walk. After my walk I came home. I couldn't watch tv, I couldn't listen to music. Nothing did it for me. A nice warm bath with a razor sounded really good, BUT not realistic - not for me, not anymore.

You know, many people deal with depression in many ways. Some people cry, some people cut, some people confide in their friends and family for support. Me? Well, I took my ass to the Pizza Shop next door, ordered a medium pepperoni pizza, took it back home and ATE THE WHOLE FUCKING THING ALL BY MYSELF!!!  Yeah, I'm a piggy. So much for my diet. It did make me feel a tinsy bit better but what I really wanted was sleep, which wasn't happening. So I stayed up and did nothing but feel numb. Half alive, but mostly dead - that's how I felt. Then after sleep came and went, I was now extemely anixous and couldn't understand why - still don't. I kept pacing back and forth in my apartment and could not focus on anything. There was so much going on at the same time I wanted to scream! But instead I did housework - in silence. I'll tell you what - I've never enjoyed silence so much in my whole life. I welcomed it. As the day progressed I was starting to feel a little better and decided to finish wrapping all the Christmas presents I so did not want to buy the day before. Then later on, a little better. Then my family came home at night and all was well. They say (I don't know who) absense makes the heart grow fond and I truely believe that. I was never so happy to see my family in my life. That's when guilt set in. I love them so much. Why did I want them away so bad? Oh, I remember. I didn't want my little boy to see me like that. I don't want him to have memories of his Momma going crazy. Then came regret. I regret that my poor husband has to put up with me when I have my "eposides". He's endured so much not just from the health issues he's been dealing with but especially from me. Although I'm normally a sweet and kind person, he gets to see the other half. The half no one ever gets to see. But the part that baffels me about  that is that he understands and loves me just the same.

So now what? What do I do? How do I seek serenity? Does it come in a bottle? Does it come wrapped with the bow? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading. Feel free to leave comments BUT PLEASE BE MATURE ABOUT IT. I will not except childish chatter on this subject. This isn't reality - IT'S REAL!

GERARD WAY REVEALS BROTHER WAS A TEENAGE VIDEO PIRATE

 MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE star GERARD WAY has outed his brother and bandmate MIKEY as a teenage video pirate. The singer reveals his sibling made a fortune bootlegging videos before the authorities caught up with him. Speaking in the new issue of Rolling Stone magazine, the WELCOME TO THE BLACK PARADE singer says, "Mikey was bootlegging Disney movies that were only out, like, in the Philippines - like SONG OF THE SOUTH and THE BLACK CAULDRON, which he'd f**king sell on (Internet auction website) eBay. "A private investigator came to our house, and he got nabbed. But they didn't throw him in jail. He was 15." <BR
04/12/2006 03:39